Wicked Horrible Holiday Traditions

1.  Krumpus (Black Pete) (Zwarte Piet) - Krumpus is horrible in and of itself, but the legend of Black Pete aka Zwarte Piet is even worse, because its racist and that makes it even more horrible.  Why does the black guy have to be the bad one and Santa Claus gets to be the fat jolly grandfather figure who gives good stuff and you get punished by the "evil" black guy?  People paint their freakin' faces black (white people) to represent Pete (poor Peetey) in other countries where the "Nordic" people are all blondes with blue eyes and pasty skin - racists!  Even in "Bad Santa" the African American little person who plays the "elf" is a bad guy, really?  Oh, and Pete is Santa's "slave", how nice?  Merry effing Christmas, a-holes!

In Utrecht, Holland, students at the local University have a pageant with Santa on a white horse with his slave boy, Black Pete, who is always slaving away like a slave. 
Pete's father brought peanuts from Africa to America, and sometimes Santa drops these into the shoes of Dutch kiddies.  In spite of Santa owning a slave, people of color 
revere him in Holland. 

Black Pete gets to carry the heavy load of presents for the good boys and girls and he gets to beat the kids who suck and have been little bastards
with a switch.  switches for bad boys and girls.  He also has a hard harbrush for which to beat the crap out of bad kids.  Santa gets to rest in Spain for the whole rest of the
year where poor Pete gets to hide and take care of Santa's stupid white horse, Sleipnir.  Whenever Santa walks, Pete has to walk beside him carrying Santie Claus' heavy sh*t.

A youngster caught stealing snacks from their parents, overeating (that's you fat kids), or kids who are selfish and who throw fits get no presents and they get beaten.  The kids who don't go to Sunday School consistently all year long get their asses kicked, too.  Pete sometimes throws these little fawks in a sack for a half an hour or so to put the fear of God into them and locks them in a closet and sends them to bed without an evening meal.  Eff you Pagan kids, you are going in a bag and getting starved and beaten.

In the legend of Krumpus, Black Pete is a willing disciple, kinda like a Manson Follower, much better...

2.  Elf on a Shelf - This creepy little guy stalks your children in your own home and does mischievous things as they sleep, but remains vigilant and inanimate whilst the family is awake.  Touch him and the magic dies and Santa knows about it.  He goes back and tells Santa, you are f'kd!

3.  Santa Claus - Really think about it, guys?  An old man slides down your chimney (breaking and entering) to give your kids present?  Humm, when do old men usually give presents to kids after breaking into their house?  It starts with a p and ends with a phile.