Saturday, December 21, 2013
Girl Talk - Interview with an Accountant
The most depraved woman I know is an accountant who lives in the next town over. She was the former host of two BTR shows that I will not mention, because they are no longer on the air and she's not Cauli or me. Her current sexual fetish is to have intercourse with a man while his face is on fire. Take that penis eaters in Europe!
Q. What is your favorite television series on the air currently?
A. American Horror Story. Of course, because Zoe has the ability to literally f*ck people to death and Depraved Accountant likes that.
Q. What is your favorite movie of all time?
A. What's Eating Gilbert Grape, because "Matches in the Gas Tank, Boom Boom".
Q. What is your favorite pasttime activity?
A. Irritating other humans down to their very souls. I like to put roadkill in the homes of my friends and spike their food with the hottest Tobasco sauce available on the market.
Q. What are your hopes and dreams at this juncture?
A. I wish murder could be legal for 24 hours so I could act out a rendition of Kill Bill 1 & 2 combined with The Purge.
Q. What exactly would you do in those 24 hours?
A. I would cross everyone off the list!
Q. Who's on your list?
A. If you knew, I'd have to kill you. Two can keep a secret if one is dead!
Q. What is your ultimate sexual fantasy?
A. First, I would shove metal wires into the urethra of unexacting men. I would then cut the tendons in their knees and elbows so they could not escape. I would slice razor blade marks all over their bodies, shove a few D batteries up their behind and rub them down with some sexy epsom salt.
Q. What does your mother think about this?
A. My mother thinks I am a creep and can't fathom why she has such a weird, sick, depraved, and creepy child. She calls me sick and twisted.
Q. Tell me the story about your dead stepgrandfather.
A. My dead stepgrandfather, a triple amputee was sent home to me in a box in which he was neatly packed (well, his cremains, anyway). I was instructed to put him to rest with his parents. I accidentally ate my stepgrandfather while laying him to rest. Most of him did make it into the ground, though.
Q. Do you now believe your souls are intertwined?
A. No, I believe my soul is intertwined with the person who accidentally partook of his cremains as well.
Q. How does charred flesh taste?
A. Its very grainy.
Q. Who is your favorite serial killer?
A. Sigh, I like Bar Jonah, but I also like Gary Heidnick. Bar Jonah loses points for hurting children. That's not very nice. That's a hard one. I feel really bad for Jeffrey Dahmer. He seems like a really nice guy. All he wanted was a friend and a submissive sex slave, I mean life partner? Isn't that what we all want?